Yes it was too good to be true, a fantasy one would say; but we both knew it was a mixture of adventure, real and danger. We knew we were dancing on the edge of paradise. Time had passed, days ,weeks, months….those perfect wet indoor weekends of endless cuddles and gists.
A lot had happened, realization had set in, revelations, the uncomfortable talks, the tears had come, the silly little fights. It had dawned on us that this was speedily moving from a mere solace of distraction to something else….something more like??
Well…something we were both too arrogant to accept. But it all counted for nothing; it was time to face facts, to examine the package. The rules and principles were gradually creeping back in, my dos and don`ts hunting me.
I had the package to keep if I wanted to…but in which world do you keep a perishable item in the shelf of the non-perishables?! I wasn’t that stupid I know. He had let me in…not just into his house but his life, he had shown me the part of him the world would never believe existed, beneath that cold, calculated distant and loner exterior was a little boy with not such a fantastic childhood,…a lonely man who had been broken and had molded himself into the man he thought was ideal. A man that dreaded filling the shoes of another, a man who would not trust, a man who thinks the idea of family and marriage is overrated.
A man who had found solace in fearing even his own shadow…he could neither stand the sun nor the heavy down pour. he had found a pattern of safety by not letting anyone in. "I am damaged" he would say, " I have always done it this way" Routine had become his solace.
He had evolved into playing mind games, be aloof, sit on the fence, always on the defensive…never wanted to take so as not to be expected to give. But in all that was a smart intelligent young man with a strong will. A lover, a man who would adore and protect his own… maybe I was not just what he wanted at the time but my lover knows I am the best thing he never had!
I know he could decide to fix it all, face his fears, let go and rise the above bitterness and spite. Tears have flowed, emotions expressed, fear felt in its core but he just wouldn’t let go. Now I know you might think I was being ruthless and not nice or patient enough…but a man would always do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and Maggie wasn’t about to be any man`s long term booty call.
And as I handed him the keys and walked out the door….i felt him reaching out to me…calling out in silence….maybe my mind was playing games on me but my heart…my greatest traitor bled…For we both knew it was the end Or is it???
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